Friday, 10 July 2009

A turning point...

Today I feel more positive about life than I have done in a long time. I think that this is due to a combination of factors:

1). My 9-month old has decided that he wants to sleep through the night on his own in his own cot (previously we had co-sleeped). Therefore I think I am getting more sleep than i have done in a long time!

2). I went swimming on my own last night (without the kids on tow for once, therefore a serious swim was possible!) for the first time in 3 years. Something so simple I know, but whether it be the endorphin rush as a result of the exercise or the feeling of freedom, it has put me on a high!

3). I called my boss (well, ex-boss I should say now) to tell him that I would not be returning to work after my maternity leave after all. I was really nervous about doing this and it had been playing on my mind for some time. I was not due back until next month but I wanted to let him know as soon as possible (and not before he had sent me my last maternity pay check, which was the end of May!!) so I knew it was about time I let him know, to give him a bit more time to replace me. I thought he may have been a bit annoyed with me as he had paid out all that maternity pay to me (he can claim it all back of the government mind you, apart from the first six weeks I believe) but he was fine about it. I explained how the main reason was because of my mother-in-law being quite ill recently and not being up to looking after the two boys all day and how there was no-one else I could get to look after them and that a nursery would be too expensive when I would only be working part-time. He seemed very understanding about it, and made me realise that I need not have worried so much about his reaction. That is me all over, that phrase, "don't worry, it may not happen" is a phrase that I need to say to myself every-day because I am such worrier about what may happen and I always envisage the worst-case-scenario. My boss is in remission with lymphoma and that is, I guess, one of the reasons why I have been feeling so guilty about not returning to work and letting him down. It is difficult to tell from a 5-minute telephone conversation with someone, but I got the impression that he is a bit down emotionally. He still has a persistent cough and the prospect basically doesn't seem good for him. It is just awful cancer. I know so many people who have had it and it devastates lives - the people that have it as well as the loved ones left behind, I just wish there was an easy cure. I really hope that he will stay in remission for a long time, but I think we are all a bit sceptical that this will not be the case.

It sounds awful, but it really put things into perspective for me and made me feel a lot brighter about my life. It made me realise that I should make the most of all the good things that I do have instead of always thinking about what I don't have i.e. my mum. I lost my mum a year and a half ago now and it is still quite raw in my mind, but slowly over the last few weeks I feel it healing a little more. I do not have my mum in my life and she was one of my bricks and one of my bestest friends and I miss her more than I can explain. But I have to accept that she is gone. She is gone but I have my husband and my two sons, and my brother and my dad. They are the most important people to me and I think that is another reason why I am broody. I desperately want a daughter. I want to have a little girl so that I can hopefully have a relationship with her as special as what I had with my mum and at the moment I really miss having another close signicant other that is female. I have my aunty, my mum's sister, who is only nine years older than me. I was really close to her until she got together with this guy just after my mum went. It's a long story but we don't get on with him and it seems to have driven a wedge between us. She lost her mum (my Nanny) and her dad (my Grandad) in-between us losing mum so it has been a very difficult few years for us all. We should be there for one another as we are both going through the same thing, but we have drifted apart because of her new man, and I miss her a lot.

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